textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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