I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
MIDGETS
????
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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