She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
