you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
