i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
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