Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I made him laugh his dick is mine