I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
