You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
