You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
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