Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
