He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
He passed out mid-signature
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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