made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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