batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
