I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Randomize
