I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
