i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
