No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
