When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
