How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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