just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Randomize
