Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Randomize
