i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I'm really busy with my period
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