Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
