Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
