i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
