i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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