why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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