Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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