Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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