Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Randomize
