hotel room ftw
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Randomize
