Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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