I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
