You're so nebulous sometimes
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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