Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Randomize
