she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Also, beer. Big fan.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
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