I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Last time i carry you out of a forest
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
