he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
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