Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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