Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Operation Purity has been aborted
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
