Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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