don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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