I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Randomize
