I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize