its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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