Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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