I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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