At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Randomize
