Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
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