I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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