just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
