tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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