Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Randomize
