Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
