She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
