you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
