when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
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