i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
