Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Randomize
