I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
