I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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